EXCLUSIVE: The 11 secrets of tonight’s Xbox reveal

You’ve undoubtedly read lots of rumours about tonight’s Xbox reveal. Forget them. Forget every one of them.

Microsoft’s secretive Next Generation Security Enforcement Team has over the last few years been quietly working in conjunction with a number of national and international law enforcement agencies to suppress the truth.

What MCV does here today puts all of its staff in mortal danger. To be frank, most of its staff will be lucky to survive the day. But we do what we do in the name of justice and it’s about time you finally discovered the 11 secrets of tonight’s Xbox reveal.

1. MICROSOFT HAS PAID NINTENDO FOR MARIO EXCLUSIVITY
Now you understand the truth behind Nintendo’s recent agreement with Sega to grab Sonic exclusivity. The Wii U has so far failed to perform and Nintendo needed a cash boost. What better way then to auction off its most valuable asset? Sonic will fill the void left by Mario who’s off to front a range of Kinect-controlled mini-game collections designed to target the family market. Meanwhile, Japan’s From Software is secretly working on a grittier take on the Mario universe that is due to launch in Q4 2014.

2. IT WILL BE BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE WITH THE DREAMCAST
What a killer app! All real gamers know that the Dreamcast is the best console ever made so Microsoft hopes that backwards compatibility with Dreamcast discs will give it an upper hand in the next-gen battle. Compatible titles will even offer emulated 56k modem support for online play. Note that this functionality will be prematurely terminated in the summer of 2015.

3. ITS FLAGSHIP LAUNCH GAME IS SUPERMAN 64 HD REMAKE TO TIE IN WITH MAN OF STEEL’S BLU-RAY RELEASE
What’s that? Superman 64 was crap? Well that didn’t stop them releasing sequels to Army of Two, Sonic Adventure and Leisure Suit Larry did it? To tie-in with the DVD and Blu-ray release of Man of Steel this Q4 the new Xbox will launch with an EXCLUSIVE HD remake of Superman 64. It will feature FULL 1080p HD support, online leaderboards, unlockable concept art and an exclusive new remixed soundtrack from Rebecca Black.

4. GAMES WILL BE SOLD AS QR CODES
The days of buying polished plastic in boxes are over! Instead retailers will now sell QR codes printed onto playing cards. Consumers will take these home, present them to Kinect and then the console will download the title. See you later pre-owned! What’s that? Your broadband connection isn’t very good? Well feck off then – Microsoft doesn’t want your type playing on its shiny new console ahyway your technological heathen.

5. KINECT WILL CUT THE POWER IF IT SEES THAT YOU’RE TIRED
Health and safety is important. Very important. For the first time MCV can reveal that the great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Don Mattrick recently travelled from the future to visit Microsoft’s Redmond HQ. He was able to do this using the time travel functionality included in Kinect 17.0. He used the journey to warn his dad that in the year 2274 Microsoft is ritually humiliated by the British tabloid press when a keen gamer playing popular fight simulator Ninja Kick Bastard 2 on the XStation fell dead due to exhaustion. It has decided to pre-emptively tackle the issue by having Kinect 2.0 switch off not only the power to your console if it detects that your eyes are drooping but in fact cut off all power to your house. Safety first.

6. WEAR PROMOTIONAL T-SHIRTS FOR BIG MONEY SAVINGS
New business models will dominate the next Xbox. New games will be free. At the end of the first level gamers will be presented with an opportunity to pose wearing a promotional t-shirt carrying the branding of Microsoft’s preferred affiliates. Kinect will then take your picture and upload it to all of your social media channels and you’ll then be granted access to the next level of the game. Those who refuse to comply can go play some shitty smartphone game or something.

7. IT WILL SHIP WITH A COOLER BAG
Whatever you do don’t mention the Red Ring of Death. Microsoft has sniper teams posted on the roofs of both Redmond and Microsoft’s Reading HQ in the UK ready to take out any staff accused of mentioning the RROD as they leave the office. And despite excessively engineering and re-engineering the new Xbox to avoid any over-heating problems, in these times of rampant global warming there is simply no way Microsoft can guarantee against all heat-related problems. In a wise move, Microsoft will mitigate this by including a branded cooler bag with every new Xbox. Should the console ever crash or shut down due to overheating users will be advised to place the console into the cooler bag for 30 minutes, after which time it should function normally.

8. YOU WILL BE CHARGED LATE FEES FOR RENTALS
The new Xbox WILL be the centre of your multimedia world. When purchasing one owners must sign an agreement saying that they will toss any competing AV equipment out of the window when they get home. Movie rentals will be offered but the T&Cs require that users confirm that they have watched the rented media before the rental period expires. Failure to do so will result in late fees being automatically deducted from a user’s Xbox Live account.

9. IT WILL OFFER EXCLUSIVE INTERACTIVE CORONATION STREET AND EASTENDERS CONTENT
Any sane-minded executive knows the real money in the games industry is to be found by expanding the market and reaching new audiences. As a result Microsoft has penned agreements with both the BBC and ITV to offer exclusive interactive content for viewers of both Coronation Street and Eastenders. At key moments during the show the Xbox will display an on-screen prompt offering the chance to launch content associated with the show. For example, during the Christmas show Xbox owners will be promoted to mimic an irate northern miner. If they can muster an accent convincing enough to fool Kinect they will be offered the chance to play a Ken Barlow-themed min-game where they have to escape from the police.

10. KINECT WILL CHARGE YOU FOR WATCHING MOVIES OR PLAYING GAMES AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE
The amazing interconnected world of Xbox will mean that the days of importing user profiles are over. Instead, when visiting friends Kinect will automatically scan you upon entering the room, sign you in and update your profile with your current location. Once the Xbox has finished reading out promotional offers from its affiliates and prompting you to buy a customised pizza from the rancid chicken takeaway down the road, it will then also apply appropriate charges to your account for any films you watch or content you consume. Very handy.

11. IT WILL HAVE AN IN-BUILT PEZ DISPENSER
Kids are stupid because despite Microsoft investing a tonne of cash into Viva Piata none of them played it. Nor did they play those sodding Sesame Street or National Geographic Kinect games that Microsoft licensed at great cost. So Microsoft has decided to cut to the chase and directly lure kids to its new console by offering an in-built pez dispenser. Games will offer sweets as rewards for either various activities such as completing levels or declaring brand affiliation on What’s App.